confession/realization

I feel that I need to put this out there.

I've been arrogant about a particular issue for a while now. That is, I was until a couple of weeks ago, anyway. Or more specifically, I didn't realize that I'd been arrogant until then. The arrogance caused a certain amount of fear in my life. At this point, I suppose I'm not making much sense, so I'll clarify.

It all started with my belief in the efficacy of prayer. I have a very high view of prayer. I believe that prayer is very powerful, because God is powerful. We pray because it draws us closer to God. It is an outpouring of ourselves, from a certain perspective, you might even call it a sacrifice of ourselves, due to that we lay our hearts before God: all our desires, insecurities, etc. before His throne.

The next factor is due to that I believe God answers prayer. I've seen God answer prayer too many times to doubt that he answers.

My problem was that I forgot that God will answer no at times. I had forgotten that He will answer as he so chooses. I had begun to believe the lie that He would always answer the way I wanted Him to. Now, knowing that I'm fallible, I know that my desires aren't always correct.

This led me to fear that I would pray for the wrong thing. As a result, it debilitated my prayer life. I stopped praying for things with strength and conviction unless I was conviced I was praying correctly. As a result, my prayers either became mostly internal, or really vague, lacking in conviction.

This changed a couple of weeks ago. I had a prayer request which I passed through my prayer network. (or part of my network; I didn't have the time to spread it personally through the entire network, and due to the nature of the request, didn't want to broadcast it in thid forum) I was utterly convinced at the time, that what I was asking for was the best possible solution to the problem I feared I might have to face. I was wrong, and God said no. As soon as I realized that God had denied my request, especially after the dilemma came and went without any real difficulty or trauma, it was as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
It was at this point the fear just went away, never to be seen again. Immediately after the fear went away, I realized my arrogance, and repented.

I write this primarily because I feel that I need to be accountable for my thoughts and actions. I also feel that I should admit my mistakes. Hopefully someone will learn from them and not repeat them. Don't be afraid to pray with passion and conviction. Remember, God is smarter than we are, He can always say no, or He might even say "not right now, but maybe later."

God never ceases to amaze me.